TotTP Episode 058 – I’ve Gotten Zero Laid

Episode 058 – I’ve Gotten Zero Laid




After a near explosion at the TotT studio, due to a short circuit issue or, as Daniel explains it, “Pumpin’ too much wattage into your cottage!”. Kinky Cassie and Daniel are back from their week long hiatus that left them wondering whether or not they even know how to podcast anymore.

While orchestrating a solo rendition of Pink Floyd’s iconic “The Wall”, Daniel is haunted by  a ghost of failed pussy-eating past. As the satanic voice of a slowing record fills his room, he wonders what this past Uber customer could possibly want from him (side note – it has come to light that Daniel decides a person’s worth before saving their number in his phone).  Rando-bitch proves female manipulation knows no bounds. Unfortunately for her, Daniel isn’t so sex-crazed that a half-assed hint of possible sexual repayment is going to cause him to go to his roommates and say, “Hey, can this random bitch I drove for Uber a few months ago stay with us for awhile, because my face may get sat on from this favor?”

gollumWe move onto the 1/2 of the duo who may be truly sex-crazed. Cassie has allowed her brain to become consumed with, what Daniel calls, internet garbage or smut. Her erotic novel, porn binge has reached new heights and is starting to affect her life.  Instead of getting outside to attempt to tan her paper skin, she is coming home from work, Gollum style to sit in her dark cave with her PRECIOUSSSSS.


jokerCassie has left her cave dwelling at least once to see Suicide Squad. Even though she went in expecting to hate it, she was actually pleasantly entertained. She gives the movie a “Nah with conditions”, which are as follows: it is a watch at home late at night movie or a drive-in movie where you sneak your friend in the trunk, because fuck that per person ticket sale bullshit.

#McChicken. Okay, so what the fuck is wrong with the internet? This last week, a very interesting video has made it’s way over the Twittersphere. There is a man with a giant black cock fucking a McChicken sandwich. Yes, you read that correctly. Could this be McDonald’s trying to get into the sex industry with a line of food sex toys?  Of course the mention of black cock reminds Cassie of the various other cocks she has had in her life. There was a time in her life she just wanted a scary black man to fuck her. The tangent continues with more sex talk (surprise surprise), and Daniel also tries to drum up sponsors by promising Cassie’s mouth as a cum basket for $300 dollars.

Warning: Video shows a real life wang!



After the break, Daniel and Cassie discuss an article from Cosmopolitan about the 15 flirting mistakes every woman makes – or every human in general. The duo cop to a few mistakes they have made while flirting, including lying to be cool, pretending to be nicer than you are, pretending to like bands and movies, and generally just playing games instead of utilizing strategy or being your authentic self. In the process of going over flirting mistakes, Cassie confesses a lie she has told she can finally look back on and laugh at. We also find out if Daniel is a mysterious, man of few words or if he is just Aspie AF, because he forces people to ask him extremely specific questions.

Dear Abby,
I have a relative who is leaking all over my house and furniture, as well as leaving her soaked diapers in my trash. I need a nice way to tell them to knock that shit off, because if I wanted my house to smell like piss and shit, I would have gotten a cat.

Cassie once again proves she is the advice queen. She overshadows Daniel’s advice to just yell at Grandma about making his house smell like shit. Cassie suggests pulling up your big boy pants – or adult diaper you could say – and talking to your relative. When you care about the person, you have to be upfront. If they are just average friends, get plastic and a diaper genie. This will round out the dick routine, because they are being assholes for causing leakage that requires mopping.
Cassie lives up to her name by admitting to an unusual kink that leaves Daniel speechless. He remains silent to see how deep she will go.

This week’s podcast:

The Dave Podcast

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